You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning

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St. Martin's Press #ad - From the author of the bestselling classics we're just Like You, Tramp, and Bless Your Heart, comes a collection of essays so funny, Only Prettier, you'll shoot co'cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as: • why miss north carolina is too nice to hate • how gwyneth paltrow wants to improve your pathetic life • strapped for cash? try cat whispering • Sex every night for a year? How do you wrap that? • Get yer Wassail on: It's carolin' time • Airlines serving up one hot mess • Action figure Jesus • Why Clay Aiken ain't marrying your glandular daughter • And much more! Complete with a treasure trove of Celia's genuine southern recipes, You Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Morning is sure to appeal to anyone who lives south of something.

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Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Rude bitches make me tired will provide answers to all your mannerly questions as Celia discusses the social conundrums of our day and age, including: Navigating the agonies of check splitting "Who had the gorgonzola crumbles and should we really care?"The baffling aspects of airline travel such as "Recline Monster" and other animalsThe art of the visit always leave them wanting more.

In this always sensible and mildly profane etiquette manual for the modern age Celia Rivenbark addresses real-life quandaries ranging from how to deal with braggy playground moms to wondering if you can have sex in your aunt's bed on vacation to correctly grieving the dearly departed hint: it doesn't include tattoos or truck decals.

Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas #ad - . Much moregym and locker etiquette hint: no one wants to talk to you while you're buck nakedOffice manners "Loud talkers, cake hawkers, and Britney Sue's unfortunate cyst"And much more!Good manners have never been so wickedly funny! .

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Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

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St. Martin's Griffin #ad - Humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles these and other lard-laden subjects in Bless Your Heart, Tramp, a hilarious look at Southern-and just plain human-foibles, up-close and personal. So pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and curl up on the pie-azza with Bless Your Heart, Tramp.

Learn why the word snow sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else. From the wickedly hilarious pen of southern humorist Celia Rivenbark comes a collection of essays that brings to mind Dave Barry in high heels or Jeff Foxworthy in a prom dress.

Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments #ad - Step into the wacky world of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, in which Bubbas wear boas. Meet two sisters who fight rural boredom by washing Budweiser cans and cutting them into pieces to make clothing.

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You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

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St. Martin's Press #ad - From the bestselling, mothers, award-winning author of you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning, Celia Rivenbark cracks up while getting her downward facing dog on, and girlfriends everywhere In her newest wickedly irreverent humor collection, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, pines for a world in which every mom gets to behave like Betty Draper and wonders why everybody's so excited about the Science Fair when there aren't even any rides.

In it you'll find essays on such topics as:- menopause spurs thoughts of death and turkey - i dreamed a dream that my lashes were long- twitter woes: i've got plenty of characters, adopt really Big Kid - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good! And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTubeAnd much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, Just No Character - Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.

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We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Ya'll come back now, you hear. Again. What is the southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on. Want to become honest-to-jesus white trash? spend two weeks' salary on hair extensions and pancake makeup for your three-year-old so she can win a five-dollar trophy in the Wee Tiny Miss pageant and the adoration of, well, nobody much.

What does the southern woman think of Paul McCartney's marriage to a model thirty years younger? We're not surprised. Statistically speaking, it's almost impossible for billionaires to discover that their soulmates are fifty-five and restocking the shampoo end caps at Kmart. In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling bless your Heart, " "precious and dahlin, the land of "Mama and them's, Tramp, Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, to the south she loves, once again, " and mommies who mow.

We're Just Like You, Only Prettier: Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle #ad - On the short drive to the preschool, I dutifully unwrap a NutriGrain bar andtoss it into the back seat to my four-year-old. Sometimes I'll even unwrap one for myself. Studies have shown that it's very importantfor familes to eat together. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, okra, spoon bread, and tomatoes.

What does a southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When Daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks.

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Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Bestselling author of we're just like you, tramphang on to your hats! we're in for some fiercely funny weather and crackling-sharp observations from Celia Rivenbark, of whom USA Today has said, Only Prettier and Bless Your Heart, "Think Dave Barry with a female point of view. With her incomparable style and sassy southern wit, cover that thang up--how rugby-playing lesbians torpedoed beach day--why french women suck at competitive eating--The truth about nature deficit disorder--The difference between cockroaches and water bugs--The beauty of BedazzlersAnd much, you'll hear from Celia on:--The joys of remodeling Tara--How Harry Potter bitch-slaps Nancy Drew--Britney's To-Do list: pick okra, much more!Whether she's doing her taxes or extolling the virtues of Madonna's mothering skills, Celia Rivenbark will keep you laughing until the very last page.

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Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom

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St. Martin's Press #ad - Celia rivenbark's essays about life in today's South are like caramel popcorn-sweet, salty, and utterly irresistibleCelia Rivenbark is a master at summing up the South in all its glorious excesses and contradictions. In this collection of screamingly funny essays, you'll discover:* how to get your kid into a character breakfast at disneyworld or run the risk of eating chicken out of a bucket with Sneezy* Secrets of Celebrity Moms don't hate them because they're beautiful when there are so many other reasons to hate them* EBay addiction and why "It ain't worth having if it ain't on eBay" Whoa! Is that Willie Nelson's face in your grits?* Why today's children's clothes make six-year-olds look like Vegas showgirls with an abundance of anger issues* And so much more!Rivenbark is an intrepid explorer and acid commentator on the land south of the Mason-Dixon line.

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Welcome to the United States of Anxiety

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Little A #ad - No wonder we’re getting twitchy. Take a deep breath, and her advice, and you just might get through a holiday dinner without wanting to disown your uncle. We’re judged by social media’s faceless masses, faves, pressured into maintaining a Pinterest-perfect home, likes, and expected to base our self-worth on retweets, and followers.

Save for an independence day–style alien invasion, and with self-deprecating wit and levelheaded wisdom, how do we begin to escape from the stressors that make up our days?Jen Lancaster is here to take a hard look at our elevating anxieties, she charts a path out of the quagmire that keeps us frightened of the future and ashamed of our imperfectly perfect human lives.

Welcome to the United States of Anxiety #ad - Our collective fomo, and the disparity between the ideal and reality, is leading us to spend more and feel worse. New york times bestselling author Jen Lancaster is here to help you chill the hell out. When did usa become shorthand for the united states of anxiety? From the moment Americans wake up, the environment, we’re bombarded with all-new terrifying news about crime, politics, and stroke-inducing foods we’ve been enjoying for years.

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Suck Your Stomach In and Put Some Color On!: What Southern Mamas Tell Their Daughters that the Rest of Y'all Should Know Too

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Berkley #ad - Woven with quotes from real southern mamas and sprinkled with recipes and other Southern secrets, this book’s a bona-fide celebration of all things south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Readers will discover why blue eye shadow is trashy and learn to interpret regional dialect like the Southern Mama APB, girl, a bulletin translated on Southern streets as: “Give your heart to Jesus, because your butt is all mine!”Shellie carefully breaks down the teachings behind those famous manners and social graces through her firsthand observations and dry wit.

Here’s everything you need to know from how to cope with the unexpected, compete in the Mr. In this humorous handbook, shellie Rushing Tomlinson, host of All Things Southern, reveals the all-important lessons Southern Mamas teach their daughters. Right game show, raise children, and how to keep that marriage knot tied tight over time.

Suck Your Stomach In and Put Some Color On!: What Southern Mamas Tell Their Daughters that the Rest of Y'all Should Know Too #ad - . The host of all things southern shares the sass and strength of Southern mamas in this spunky guide to life.

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Talk Southern to Me: Stories & Sayings to Accent Your Life

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Gibbs Smith #ad - And it’s gooder than grits, y’all. She currently resides in venice Beach, California, and is generally irritated that it’s void of proper fried okra. If you’re not from the south, bless your heart, pay attention cause there’s a ton of wisdom to be found in these heartfelt, humorous ways. She is an actor, film, writer, and producer who has worked in television, and on Broadway.

Southerners speak their own unique version of the English language, and you’ll come to understand it in these pages. Plus more southern phrases than you can shake a stick at. Visit her at www. Southernwomenchannel. Com. It’s a linguistic art. The hilarious book that the south’s very own dolly parton described as “fun, and oh-so Southern, informative, ” Talk Southern To Me is a love letter to the South, y’all.

Talk Southern to Me: Stories & Sayings to Accent Your Life #ad - . Essays ’bout charm, chewin’ the fat, beauty and style, casseroles and cheese balls, love, parenting, and more—full of yes ma’ams and no sirs, taffeta and pom-poms . South carolina native, is the creator of youTube’s Southern Women Channel, Julia Fowler, home of the viral video series, Sh%t Southern Women Say.

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Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life

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Ballantine Books #ad - After all, home wasn’t built in a day. Housebroken is a rollicking new collection of essays showcasing her irreverent wit and inability to feel shame. If laurie notaro’s books don’t inspire pants-wetting fits of laughter, clearly, then please consult your physician, because, your funny bone is broken.

Jen lancaster, author of i regret nothing#1 new york times bestselling author laurie Notaro isn’t exactly a domestic goddess—unless that means she fully embraces her genetic hoarding predisposition, sneaks peeks at her husband’s daily journal, or has made a list of the people she wants on her Apocalypse Survival team her husband’s not on it.

From defying nature in the quest to make her own twinkies, to teaching her eight-year-old nephew about hoboes, to begging her new neighbors not to become urban livestock keepers, Notaro recounts her best efforts—and hilarious failures—in keeping a household inches away from being condemned. Notaro chronicles her chronic misfortune in the domestic arts, including cooking, cleaning, and putting on Spanx while sweaty which should technically qualify as an Olympic sport.

Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life #ad - Praise for laurie notaro   “notaro is a scream, the freak-magnet of a girlfriend you can’t wait to meet for a drink to hear her latest story. The plain dealer   “hilarious, and completely relatable, fabulously improper, Notaro is the queen of funny. Celia rivenbark, author of rude bitches make Me Tired“Notaro is direct and self-deprecating, and her disastrous attempts to sew a dress and make jerky treats for her dog are relatable and funny.

Library Journal .

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